Always
by Hearts Desire
Summary: Shannon Moore thinks back over all that he and Matt ahve been through, from when they first met, to death.


A/N- I was just watching my Survivor Series 2002 dvd and I heard this as the theme song and it was just like, PLOW! "You gotta write a story with this song, Ky!" So I did. Back to Matt and Shannon! It just fits for their old relationship. So, obviously this takes place back in, like, March of last year.  
  
Oh, and Cat Lea!! I did find something to write and it DOES have the Outsiders and maybe even Raven! Whoo hoo! I owe it to you, you gave me the idea. Thanks!  
  
Disclaimer- I own no one and nothing but the idea. The song 'Always' is copyrighted to Saliva.  
  
  
  
Title: Always  
  
Rating: R  
  
Contents: slight slash, adult content and character death   
  
  
  
I hear... a voice say "Don't be so blind"...   
  
it's telling me all these things...   
  
that you would probably hide...   
  
am I... your one and only desire...   
  
am I the reason you breathe...   
  
or am I the reason you cry...   
  
  
  
People always told me that you only wanted me by you so that you could push me around and tell me what to do. I guess that I should have realized that our relationship wasn't a normal one after the first time that you hit me and the first time that you yelled at me for something I had no control over.  
  
But I couldn't help myself. I loved you. I still love you. After all of the pain and all of the suffering that you've cost me over the years, I still love you. Not that you can exactly say the same for me. No, I was your own personal punching bag, eh, Matty?  
  
When I first met you ... God, I thought that you were the most amazing person. You were older, smarter, wiser, stronger ... you were so much more intelligant than I was. You knew more about the world, you knew more about everything, therfore I thought all of your actions were the right ones.  
  
Whatever you did was right. Whatever you did was what I believed was right. I guess .. I guess it was becuase I never really had a father figure and you were the closest thing to it. I know that you have saved me more times that either you or I could remember.   
  
From the day I met you, you were always there to look out for me and that only grew when I lost my father. You convinced your dad to let me stay for the first week that my mom was gone at the hospital with my dad since I didn't want to stay with my aunt. That bitch never liked me. But I'm getting off track.  
  
You were always there, and I really wouldn't have had it any other way. You treated my like your own little brother. You treated me better than my own brothers did. My own brothers never sat with me at night when I couldn't fall asleep and Jeff already was. My own brothers never let me pick the movies to watch, or what we were having for dinner, but you did.  
  
All those nights that you would stay up with me when I would have a nightmare or something ... I could never make up the time you gave me. I figured you would get sick of my always being at your guys' house, but you guys took me in as a regular family member and you didn't matter how fucked up my life was or how scared I was of things.  
  
I guess that's how you blinded me so quickly.  
  
  
  
Always... always... always... always... always... always... always...   
  
I just can't live without you...   
  
I love you...   
  
I hate you...   
  
I can't get around you...   
  
I breathe you...   
  
I taste you...   
  
I can't live without you...   
  
I just can't take any more...   
  
this life of solitude...   
  
I guess that i'm out the door...   
  
and now i'm done with you...   
  
  
  
When you and Jeffy first got your federation and your ring all set up, I wasn't allowed on it cause I was too small and too light. I'm sure you remember, of course, you yelled at me practically every time I even came near the thing without a video camera in my hands.  
  
But eventually, when I did get to go on there, you looked out for me there, too. Everyone did really, probably cause they didn't want to get in trouble if I got hurt, but you and Jeff were the most supportive. I don't know exactly what happened that day you broke my ribs, but I you knew right away something was wrong.  
  
Well, it was probably from my crying and rolling off the ring to the mats outside it, but either way, I appreciated that you and Jeff were right there. You were as careful as you could be with me as you helped me to my feet. Jeff held the door open for us as you led me in to that lower level of your house. We really were lucky we didn't have to go up or down any stairs.  
  
Oh, I remember you getting so mad at Jeff! You argued with him that it was his fault becuase he was the one who convinced you to let me one, and he argued it was your fault because you miscalculated the move. I think that was the only time, BEFORE I came to the WWE, that you forgot about me. And it was only momentarily.  
  
When Jeff pointed out that I was sitting right there and you were the only one who really knew what was going on, you were right there next to me. Jeff called your dad and he called my mom while you helped me back out to your car and drove me to the nearest hospital. You apologized to me the entire ride since I had calmed down enough to hear you.  
  
I knew right from that day that I loved you. Trust, I was only 11 years old, but I knew then. I never had feelings for anyone else that I have for you. Not even for Jeff or any of those other wrestlers I had been with. It was always you and I only used them as cover ups.  
  
  
  
I feel... like you don't want me around...   
  
I guess i'll pack all my things...   
  
I guess i'll see you around...   
  
Its all... been bottled up until now...   
  
as I walk out your door...   
  
all I hear is the sound...   
  
  
  
But ... when I got to the WWE ... everything between us kind of changed. WE were still close for a while. You showed me around. You told me who to stear clear of and who I could befriend. Now I know I didn't always take your advice seriously at first, but I learned fast and I reaspected the fact that you had been there longer than me.  
  
When I found out that we would be working together, I was so excited! I not only got to travel with you, I got to work with you, too. I couldn't have been happier. I guess you could have, though. I didn't think you'd mind. After all, we'd grown up together. I practically lived at your house as a kid.  
  
Obviously you did, though. You quit hanging around me as much and when you did you always yelled at me. I was used to being told what to do, but the way you yelled at me, it was scary. I always did what you said, but now I was like a full-fledged servant.   
  
I didn't care, I was with you. As little time as it was, I still adored you. I basically worshipped the ground you walked on. And to think that the fans thought that our set was a storyline. No, if only they could have seen that it wasn't an act. That's what our friendship had reduced to.  
  
But I loved you more than anything, I didn't care if it seemed like you didn't want me around, at least I was working with you and got to see you.  
  
  
  
Always... always... always... always... always... always... always...   
  
I just can't live without you...   
  
I love you...   
  
I hate you...   
  
I can't get around you...   
  
I breathe you...   
  
I taste you...   
  
I can't live without you...   
  
I just can't take any more...   
  
this life of solitude...   
  
I guess that i'm out the door...   
  
and now i'm done with you...   
  
  
  
When you hit me that first time ... I was shocked, to say the least. I didn't even see it coming, really. It was after you put me in that match with A-Train, I believe. You know, the one that you didn't want to do? Well, when I got back to the locker room after seeing the trainer, you were right there waiting.  
  
You looked so mad. I can't get that look out of my head. You looked more angry than I had ever seen you. But, I had seen you angry before, so I did what I had learned to do when you were angry; leave you alone. So I just went to by stahl or whatever it was they had us keeping our things in.  
  
The first blow completely took me by suprise. I was leaned over, trying to find something in my bag when you hit me with your forearm on the back of my neack. I flew forward and nearly hit my head on the wooden stahl, but you grasped me by the hair and held me up, nearly flat against you.  
  
I was too suprised to do anything while you shoved me forwards. When I rebounded from hitting the wood, you gave me something of a Lou Press and basically tackled me to the ground. I hit my head hard and went to bring my hand up to it when you caught both of them and pinned them above me.  
  
I was scared out of my wits, that had never happened to me before. I had never been ordered to keep still or anything like that unless you were helping me with a move of sorts. When you let go of my hands, your fingers were imprinted in my skin snd you started to hit me.  
  
Around my face, on my neck, on my chest ... I could hardly do anything but puill my hands back to try to protect my face. I don't know what made you stop, exactly, probably Taker and some of the other guys dragging you off, but I was still dizzy from hitting my head and I didn't see anything.  
  
Mark had always been real nice to me, but he totally believed in respect in the locker room and I was suprised that he didn't just let you go at it. Either way, though, I was thankful some of the guys had shown up. I knew you wouldn't do anything serious, but I was still scared.  
  
  
  
I love you...   
  
I hate you...   
  
I can't live without you...   
  
I left my head around your heart...   
  
Why would you tear my world apart...   
  
Always... always... always... always...   
  
  
  
That night, you and I were sharing a hotel room, as usual. I had stayed out later than I normally did, but you still came home later than me. I remember, I was laying back on my bed and watching t.v when you camei in. I didn't really have the lights on, but it was bright enough to see that you had something in your hands.  
  
You slowly made your way to my bed and switched the light on next to me and then handed me what it was in your hands. Flowers. A dozen of them. Red roses.  
  
"I'm sorry, Shannon. I'm so sorry for what I did today. Please forgive me. I love you."  
  
And I did what I did every time that you said that. I let you manipulate me, then apologize and I would forgive you. Every damn time. I guess I just wasn't smart enough to realize what was going on. I was too in love with you to know what was happening.  
  
You would totally step over the line, but I loved you so much that I would forgive you. I never wanted to lose you. I can't live with out you. I knew that even through everything.  
  
  
  
I see... the blood all over your hands...   
  
does it make you feel... more like a man...   
  
was it all... just a part of your plan...   
  
the pistol's shakin' in my hands...   
  
and all I hear is the sound...   
  
  
  
I guess that something's snapped in my head now. I don't know exactly if I was just waking up to what you were doing to me, or the talk that Kidman had with me the other night that turned me on to what you were doing. Kidman had walked in on you hitting me once again in the locker room.  
  
I don't remember anything, you had run me in to the bench and knocked me senseless. Kidman said that when he walked in, you had bashed me against the bench a few more times; for good measure I guess, and I was bleeding. Kid had heard of you pushing me around a but, but he never thought you'd go as far as to make me bleed and he told me so.  
  
That's kind of ironic, now. Seeing as that's exactly what I plan to do. Bleed, that is. I've got your little pocketknife out and it's in my right hand. I'm shaking so much that I'm suprised I haven't dropped it yet. Well, I have, but that was before I decided what I was going to do.  
  
  
  
I love you...   
  
I hate you...   
  
I can't live without you...   
  
I breathe you...   
  
I taste you...   
  
I can't live without you...   
  
I just can't take any more...   
  
this life of solitude...   
  
I guess that i'm out the door...   
  
and now i'm done with you...   
  
  
  
You see, Matt. You've hurt me worse than I ever thought I could be hurt. You've deliberatly taken advantage of me just to get your anger or frustration or whatever it was out. I let you shove me around and manipulate me because I idolized you. I still think you are the best person.  
  
You're still stronger and smarter and wiser than me. Smarter, definately and stronger too. You wouldn't be sitting here in my position. You wouldn't be kneeling in a corner with your still slightly wet hair sticking to your even wetter face. You wouldn't have a switchblade pressed to your wrist.  
  
You wouldn't be imagining the worse possible death, a slow one, for yourself. You know, it's kinda crazy. I've always been afraid of death, but look at what I am doing to myself. But ... I honestly believe it is for the best. I really do.  
  
Without me holding you back, without me in your way and in your life, you can accomplish more things than I ever could. I've been in this business for 13 years and I still haven't gotten a big push. Not one where everyone'll know my name. I'd never reach your status, I'd never get your fame.  
  
So I am going to quit pissing you off. I'm going to quit getting in your way. I'm going to end it all now. becuase I love you that much. I love you so much that I was willing to do anything you said. And now, I love you so much that I'll give you everything you ever wanted ... freedom from me.  
  
Freedom from the little kid who followed you around back in North Carolina and freedom from the one person in this world holding you back.  
  
  
  
I love you...   
  
I hate you...   
  
I can't live without you...   
  
I love you...   
  
I hate you...   
  
I can't live without you...   
  
I just can't take any more...  
  
this life of solitude...   
  
  
  
I slowly slide the blade over my wrist like I have the last hour, still not ready to push deep enough to do any damage. The little white lines that criss cross my veins indicate where I should run the blade harder next. I take a deep breath and press harder as I re-trace a former white line.  
  
I'm shocked at how much blood can come from one little cut, but I find solice in it and do another. Then another and another for hell's sake. There's so much blood comeing from these little cuts that I'm already starting to stain through my pants and stain the floor.  
  
I'm sure that it's just what you want to do when you get home; find me dead AND have to clean your carpet. If I would be alive when you get here, you'd probably hit me. But I won't be. The amount of blood I am losing is already starting to make the room darken and my head spin.  
  
So I head to the one place I felt more comfortable than anything ... your bed. Where you first told me you loved me, where I first admitted I loved you. Where you first held me lovingly, where you first cared for me soothingly. This was the one place I could stay for eternity.  
  
The blood is staining through the blanket I have covered myself in. I know this because I can feel it sinking through the sheet and my pants again. I know that I don't have much longer, so I say my prayers and tell my father that I will see him soon. I miss him as much as I'll miss you.  
  
I loved you Matthew Hardy. That's why I did this. To save yourself from getting put in jail for abuse .. or maybe worse. Of course, you'll never know that now ...  
  
  
  
I pick myself off the floor...   
  
and now i'm done with you...   
  
Always...  
  
Always...   
  
Always... 


End file.
